May 2005


Original article posted by Greg:

I think I just mixed star wars and the tick and ended up with a big blue cosmic milkshake of love. Score! Now I just need to get batman thrown in somehow and I’ll be in great shape. Maybe I should have said “Only a path of evil, you cowardly and superstisious lot of naughty spawn!” Or is that overdoing it a bit?

We recently had ‘two fall out of week two.’ which is another way of saying that two of our friends who wanted to get baptized next week were impeded in their plans in some way, forcing them to back out of the baptismal goal. One has a father who allows his son to come to church, but forbids baptism, and one is an amazing man who just wont give up one bad habit. So that was a bit depressing for us. But we continue to work with them and pray for them. We also have other people who are doing well in their individual progression.

I have found a human skull for sale for 130 dollars american.

But I bet I could get it cheaper on Ebay. And so I bide my time.

Back to my original rant. I mean, thought.

I wish to begin by shouting incomprehensibly and slamming the pulpit a bit with my left shoe.

I get ticked off at stuff. Not as ticked off as some people I know. There used to be a deal. My friend would get pissed off, and I would let him tell me about it. Now the deal is off for a time. So I have to get dissapointed in the mistaken concepts of mankind (in a dignified way) all on my own. So I am.

I’m mad at those who deny greatness. I am mad at those who talk about a ‘path’ or a ‘tao’ as neither a good thing or a bad thing. I am mad a those who turn excellence into mediocrity by saying there is no “Needs Improvement” on the scorecard. I hate the pushers of medium. I am fed up with good enough, and I don’t want to see shades of beige ever again. I disagree with decaffienated sin and righteousness in title form.

One of the central doctrines I go around and hand to anybody with open hands and mind is that we came to earth as spirits to get bodies – and the bodies let us act. We are creatures (whether of sin or of celestial descent or of natural selection isn’t important to this rant) of action. We can not help but to act, even if that act is to sit in front of the television for 40 percent of our collective or individual lives.

Having acted we can, of ourselves or of outside standards, apply lines to life. To draw a grid on it and say “A4 to G17 are all the evil squares. If you put your battleship there, it is now an evil battleship.” I don’t care if you believe our standards aren’t from a loving omniscient God. Where they come from is unimportant. We simply need more people to say “This is superb. And this is spittle.” and then argue and agree with each other until a like-minded community is formed, which community can then be properly oppressed by the man.

Question: Do I take the teeth out of my rant by adding in the little jokes at the end? If you have an opinion, that is your standard. Express your standard. Either my rant is excellent or it is stupid and smells funny. It is not just mushings of the keyboard by a sunburned monkey who thinks too much of himself and his own opinion which doesn’t matter. It has value. Maybe it’s a negative value. Maybe its only impact on the world is to add to the collective stupid of the culture of mankind. Maybe it’s positive. But it does count for something.

I am walking a path different from anybody else. But the point is that it’s either a rockin’ path or it’s a skanky metallica remix path. It’s not just a path.

Great Scotts,
-Elder Hamblin

Orginal comments:


Nickname: Cornelius
Re: If there is no good or evil there are no heros.
I could get you one for much less. It used to be $50, but since I’m rich, I work Pro Bono for good friends. Also, one Nate Hancock told me once that “Good enough never is. Only your best will do.” I think that both you and I are beginning to understand what “Many are called, but few are chosen” really means. I’m proud of you for both having standards and standing by them. I believe this is also known as being valiant in your testimony. As for your question about the jokes in the rants, I have this to say: There is a time to be funny and a time to raise the hair and flesh on the backs of mens’ necks. A time to say, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!” in a booming, echoing voice and plant your feet and staff firmly on the narrow space of ground between Good and Evil. When you know what time it is, you will know what is appropriate to say.


Nickname: Cornelius
Re: If there is no good or evil there are no heros.
Also, you are not required to entertain when you post. You ARE required to speak your mind.

Original article posted by Greg:

A lot of the time I find myself awake the night before preparation day,
thinking of all the moral stances I want to make. Often they are so
numerous that I could coreograph a very bold and yet conservatively
boring performance for the BYU dance team.

But they wouldn’t do it because it would require the wearing of short
shorts and screaming like a howler monkey.

I don’t know if I have mentioned, but I’m something of a blind man on
the site. I don’t post directly to the site, nor do I read any of the
postings on it, nor do I ever even look at it, with the exception of
comments posted on my articles – because they are printed out and mailed
to me by loving relatives. So I hope that I am not missing anything of
importance or humor. I hope and encourage reviews of movies and music
to be written in the reviews section. Because – Dang. I know some of
you are really good at scathing reviews of poorly done movies (even when
compared with a standard such as tripe.)

And the short shorts are just out of the question at BYU.

I can imagine my sister, who will probably be going to BYU in the near
future, reading this and thinking “Wow, my brother is so weird.” And
being correct in every way.

I’m given to understand that my good friend, Blaine, is ramping up to
ship out soon. To him I can say, with experience, that to walk without
rhythym is to avoid the noid.

My philisophical cutco knife has been dulled to the accuracy and
usefulness of a garden hoe. This is the problem with not being able to
go out with certain nameless best friends to expensive italian
restaurants while cursing the world, enjoying the scenery, singing along
to music, and later going to bad martial arts movies and making up lines
for the equally bad acting.

Luckily, I have found that when other friends of mine have gone on
missions, the friendship was instantly and easily resumed at their
return. I have no reason to doubt that this will be the case with all
my friends at home – and especially with those who I love the best. I
remained convinced that this time has and will be the best way I could
have spent it, given any other options. I also believe that all my
faithful friends will be thoroughly blessed and uplifted (whether it be
by Karma, Conscience or God) for their support. So I guess I’m just
trying to say thanks for caring about me, and I still care about you,
even over time and distance, and run on sentences are good for the soul,
and I consider you my faithful friend no matter current circumstances,
and I remain yours as I am best able to the time being, and surely a
great rejoicing and road trips are in store for us as we remain strong
in our afflictions. Therefore, by beloved bretheren, let us be
faithful.

I enjoy waxing scriptural in my language.

Then I my waning is of cartoon.

I leave with you all my blessing, my hopes, my thoughts, and my
unguarded room full of tangible goods. And if that’s not enough for
you, I also send a batarang.

Yeah. Amp that up if you can, chump.

Just saw an ad for the newest batman movie,
-Elder Pennyworth

Original article posted by Greg:

We tracted into a lady and her 93 year old mother the other night. They let us in and we sat on the couch just in time to see the trailer for the newest star wars movie.

This would be one of those things.

I tried to avoid thinking about pits of lava, x-wings, storm troopers, a light saber wielding palpatine, and other things that I admit a liking of in my former years.

And yet, I gave in to the darkside of missionary work and watched television for a delicious 30 seconds.

Something I saw and heard recently.

My companion loves to talk to the old people. (so do I) Most of them only speak the taiwanese language, and no chinese, so all we can say is hello. So yesterday my companion said ‘ama! li ho!’ to an old lady. She came up to him, carefully read his nametag, then looked up at him and said “Mr. Collette, don’t speak chinese to me. I don’t understand a bit of it.”

Turns out she’s a 83 year old phillipino lady. She was living with another philipino lady who dissapeared a few days ago and hasn’t come back. Now she doesn’t really know what to do. Over 40 years ago she was a jazz singer on the american military base in taiwan. she said, “There was the C.O.’s and the Officers Club. We belonged to the Officers Club. Only the officers could listen to soul music.” Then she sang for us about love. Then she said, “One time a colonel pulled me into his office and said ‘lina, are there any black officers?’ ‘I don’t know, why don’t you ask General Collin?’ He was a black general, you see. Do you have a girlfriend?” My companion said “no.” I said “yes.” “Is she chinese?” she asked. “No she’s american.” Then she said that was good and that I should not date chinese girls.

Then she sang again and gave us advice on women. Then she told us about how she felt when her husband cheated on her. Then she talked about her own attitude towards having affairs. Then she sang again, then told us that she used to belong to the officers club. Her husband played the saxophone. Then “Don’t date the chinese girls. You can sleep around if you want, but don’t marry one.” Then “There was the C.O.’s and the Officers Club. We belonged to the officers club.”

Supposed to be the chosen one,
Darth Hamblin

Original article posted by Greg:

We tracted into a lady and her 93 year old mother the other night. They let us in and we sat on the couch just in time to see the trailer for the newest star wars movie.

This would be one of those things.

I tried to avoid thinking about pits of lava, x-wings, storm troopers, a light saber wielding palpatine, and other things that I admit a liking of in my former years.

And yet, I gave in to the darkside of missionary work and watched television for a delicious 30 seconds.

Something I saw and heard recently.

My companion loves to talk to the old people. (so do I) Most of them only speak the taiwanese language, and no chinese, so all we can say is hello. So yesterday my companion said ‘ama! li ho!’ to an old lady. She came up to him, carefully read his nametag, then looked up at him and said “Mr. Collette, don’t speak chinese to me. I don’t understand a bit of it.”

Turns out she’s a 83 year old phillipino lady. She was living with another philipino lady who dissapeared a few days ago and hasn’t come back. Now she doesn’t really know what to do. Over 40 years ago she was a jazz singer on the american military base in taiwan. she said, “There was the C.O.’s and the Officers Club. We belonged to the Officers Club. Only the officers could listen to soul music.” Then she sang for us about love. Then she said, “One time a colonel pulled me into his office and said ‘lina, are there any black officers?’ ‘I don’t know, why don’t you ask General Collin?’ He was a black general, you see. Do you have a girlfriend?” My companion said “no.” I said “yes.” “Is she chinese?” she asked. “No she’s american.” Then she said that was good and that I should not date chinese girls.

Then she sang again and gave us advice on women. Then she told us about how she felt when her husband cheated on her. Then she talked about her own attitude towards having affairs. Then she sang again, then told us that she used to belong to the officers club. Her husband played the saxophone. Then “Don’t date the chinese girls. You can sleep around if you want, but don’t marry one.” Then “There was the C.O.’s and the Officers Club. We belonged to the officers club.”

Supposed to be the chosen one,
Darth Hamblin

Original article posted by Greg:

We tracted into a lady and her 93 year old mother the other night. They let us in and we sat on the couch just in time to see the trailer for the newest star wars movie.

This would be one of those things.

I tried to avoid thinking about pits of lava, x-wings, storm troopers, a light saber wielding palpatine, and other things that I admit a liking of in my former years.

And yet, I gave in to the darkside of missionary work and watched television for a delicious 30 seconds.

Something I saw and heard recently.

My companion loves to talk to the old people. (so do I) Most of them only speak the taiwanese language, and no chinese, so all we can say is hello. So yesterday my companion said ‘ama! li ho!’ to an old lady. She came up to him, carefully read his nametag, then looked up at him and said “Mr. Collette, don’t speak chinese to me. I don’t understand a bit of it.”

Turns out she’s a 83 year old phillipino lady. She was living with another philipino lady who dissapeared a few days ago and hasn’t come back. Now she doesn’t really know what to do. Over 40 years ago she was a jazz singer on the american military base in taiwan. she said, “There was the C.O.’s and the Officers Club. We belonged to the Officers Club. Only the officers could listen to soul music.” Then she sang for us about love. Then she said, “One time a colonel pulled me into his office and said ‘lina, are there any black officers?’ ‘I don’t know, why don’t you ask General Collin?’ He was a black general, you see. Do you have a girlfriend?” My companion said “no.” I said “yes.” “Is she chinese?” she asked. “No she’s american.” Then she said that was good and that I should not date chinese girls.

Then she sang again and gave us advice on women. Then she told us about how she felt when her husband cheated on her. Then she talked about her own attitude towards having affairs. Then she sang again, then told us that she used to belong to the officers club. Her husband played the saxophone. Then “Don’t date the chinese girls. You can sleep around if you want, but don’t marry one.” Then “There was the C.O.’s and the Officers Club. We belonged to the officers club.”

Supposed to be the chosen one,
Darth Hamblin

Original article posted by Greg:

Elder Greg Hamblin was born in the sunny spring of the year 1980. From the beginning, his life was unusual. His mother describes the following
experience: “I had never heard of anybody going into labor from eating too much cookie dough.”

Elder Hamblin was an energetic child. But his parents were equal to the task, and often created unusual games for him to play, such as “Throw everything you can get your greasy paws on out the window” and “Prove
the bag of flour is not empty.” His first words, according to
witnesses, were “Demosthenes was an imbecile.” But some have argued that before that was an earlier phrase of “Damn liberals.”

It was in high school that Elder Hamblin met his first love, and a multi-year courtship ensued. At a family reunion around that time he was asked what he saw in the near future as far as relationships go. He was heard to reply “Well, doritos and chat are great, but I think I’ll
actually try dating a girl sometime soon.” It wasn’t long afterwards
that he gave up a portion of his nerdy ways in order to attract more less-nerdy girls.

Yet his role-playing habit stuck around till college. Some have speculated this is the reason many women had said “He’s still got some growing up to do.” Others have said it was because of the way he would sometimes fall to the floor screaming and flailing his arms saying “WANT TO WATCH STAR WARS AGAIN!”

College was where he met his future partner in business, Thinking Really
Hard. They didn’t get along well at first, but now they both claim to
have beat the other into submission.

During his mission, Elder Hamblin changed many of his habits and behaviors. While on the sunny coasts of Taiwan, he was often seen lounging on the beach in a comfy white shirt and tie.

It was in Taiwan where he first coined the phrase “\/\/00+ till you drop.” And it was that same attitude which skyrocketed him to fame in the entertainment, business and political world.

“I couldn’t say I was a self-made-man unless I actually made myself.”
He once said at a press conference, “Which would be really hard, since I would have to make the stuff to make me even before I was made. So that’s why I disagree when people say I’m a self made man. I’m more of a man made self. And it’s a good self. Very low on phlegm.”

Elder Hamblin, man of legend, mystery and talent.

Well, it wasn’t 16 hours, but it was a start. Maybe I’ll put more
effort into it and make a million.

Not much to say to the masses today.

-Elder Hamblin

Orginal comments:


Nickname: Cornelius
Re: Mentos and years of effort pay off at last.
LOL LOL LOL…ROFL ROFL…thx.

Original article posted by chamblin:

There are two parts to this. The first is that I’m only going to get 10 days of leave. This is not nearly enough time to do all of the things I want to or hang out with all the people I want to. The second part is that I have gotten mail from only seven different addresses the whole time I’ve been here, and four of those are blood relatives. My training is done, so don’t bother writing me a letter at Camp Shelby anymore. When I know my address in Iraq, I’ll let you know. For those of you who are my friends and haven’t written me, I understand. I know all to well what “out of sight, out of mind” means. I also understand that you are busy and things come up. I just hope that you will be equally understanding with me when I don’t make time to hang out with you while I’m on leave.

Well, enough of that. It’s been a while since I’ve written a newsletter, and a lot has happened. I’m going to give you the highlights. One thing we did is Reflexive Fire. That’s techniques for engaging targets closer than 20 meters quickly and accurately with limited use of the sights. To go along with that, we were issued new weapons. They have tactical rails on them which allow us to mount gadgets. I got a flashlight and what is called a “Fast Aquisition Scope”. It has a littel red dot in the middle that lets me know where my rounds will go. I like it.

Probably the high point of last month was General Conference. It was a nice boost for those of us who are surrounded by…less than impecable standards. Those of you who pay attention will know what I mean. It also makes it much more special when you have less opportunity.

One other big training item was a six day battalion exercise. It was obnoxious. My battery is ready for whatever, but the guys who run the show on higher levels need more practice. We spent most of the time going into local villages looking for people and stuff. Our platoon has been named “Search Platoon” because we’re always the ones who go into buildings and we’re good at it.

We got new uniforms. The Army is switching to a whole new camoflage pattern and uniform style. I don’t like it. Everything is velcro instead of buttons and the fabric won’t take a beating like the old uniforms. I blew one of by cargo pockets out by trying to put an MRE in it. Its the same pocket, but it just couldn’t take it. It was a pain trying to get the right sizes too. The people who fit us would only give us bigger sizes if we whined really bad or popped the stitches by flexing. (One of my buddies did this) It was like pulling teeth, but I got what I wanted.

As far as fun goes, we went to Six Flags in New Orleans. Lagoon beats its pants off.

The rest of our time here has been spent packing. We loaded a lot of containers. The Army doesn’t believe in boxes. We have containers.

Well that’s it. I’ll post my address in Iraq when I know what it is. I’ll get two weeks in the “middle” of the rotation to do what I want. If you want me to hang out with you then, write me *ahem* and let me know. Also, pray for me and my buddies. I can’t say where I’m going, but isn’t a pleasant place. Thanks,

Blaine

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