Original article posted by ravenpaine:

I’m sitting and thinking on this, a long Sunday afternoon. The Super Bowl will be occuring somewhere at some time but I sit and think. I’m watching this incredible and delicate film called Jesus’ Son which is about a guy named FH and his sruggle to understand the world through a haze of tragic love, drug fog, and incredible stupidity on his part.

I see resemblences between his struggle and my own and it makes me wonder about what is out there and in what ways I choose to interact with it.

Somedays I can’t see the forest for the fire I want to set to it so that I could be rid of one more thing in the world that I didn’t put there and don’t want around. Other days, days like today, make me stare out of a window and wonder at what I will find on the other side of any given door and what people I will meet on the journeys that I take there.

Robin William’s had another spectacular film called Being Human that dealt with the search of a lifetime, of course in that film he lived for something like 2,ooo years to figure it all out. He did that in a movie where he was a robot as well, but it isn’t as good by a large margin.

Anyway, I wish. I wish for things and I want things. I don’t want to simply be handed adventure and meaning and accomplishment in life, I want to earn these things. However, I also want to be told where to start. It’s the false starts in life that become the problem. In to many places I attempt something and then stop because I can’t see the goal or the product, or the point. Somewhere down the road I would recieve something but since I cannot determine what it is I don’t want to keep going. Halfway down the path I change course for a more aparent goal. The difficulty of the journey and the worth of the prize have nothing to do with my decisions, only the ready perception of the goal.

Which is why I’ve passed up so many useful and intersting relationships with people. Relationships that could have meant something, that could have gone somewhere and taught me something I need to know. Too often I have made things into what I want them to be becasue I can’t comprehend what they could have been on their own.

Even now as I ask myself what I will do with my semester, the people I meet and the things I learn, I cannot help but attempt to shove everything into an easily quantitative pattern. One that i already know something about and therefore something that will degrade in value towards nothing.

Life should be lived in a constant state of motion and learning. The calm moments come and the calm moments go, as do the times when you must face the toils and travails of life itself. The true object of a life should be to become fluid and reflective. Follow your own destiny and at the end of any given path you will find something.

And the less that you know before you get there, the more value will be inherent in the lesson.

Rodney TGAP
a suffusion of yellow

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