Original article posted by ravenpaine:

I’ve been thinking then. About the places I have been and the people I have met. Some of these memories are pleasent, some of them I have photographic evidence of, others are lost to memory and stir only a sense of dread and revulsion.

I’m not sure that I appreciate where I have been and what I have become. Scratch that, I know that I like who I am and I’m pleased to have defeated all of the things that I used to be. I have slain my share of dragons and I am better for it. It is a shame that I have harmed so many on my quest across the land.

No one ever tells the tales of sorrow that follow in the wake of a quest. The epics tend to leave out a large amount of the aftermath of individual stories. The Odessey was mostly one persons reprucussions, so there is a precedent for this type of narritve but no one actually did it.

So I flip through the photos of a bygone era and listen to a “mix tape” made by me and another made for me. I don’t listen to any of this music anymore. I’m not emberrassed by it, but it isn’t something I go in for anymore.

Some of these photos represent times when I told myself I was happy… or correction… when I was happy but couldn’t stop hurting the people around me. I think of past girlfriends and declare that I am in fact one of the worlds most egotistical bastards. None of the terrible things I did to them should have happened. I wish I could apologize but I have no way of contacting most of them, the few that I might be able to reach I don’t think would appreciate it, so I’ll just let it sit and wonder if perhaps I could make up for it some day.

The problem with staring into the past is that you notice a large number of the good things and most of the deepest regrets. It’s an odd juxtaposition to think about the greatest and foulest things that you have done back to back. The opposition creates a feeling in your gut. A need to make the call, yea or nea, good or bad. Was I indeed a terrible ill bastard who hurt everyone around me or was I an altruistic fool struggling to contain my own darkness?

I think that the answer then, as it is now is simply that I’m human, i make my mistakes and i move on. I learn and I live. Some days end in joy some days end in joy and all of it was important to some extent.

Still, I wish that I had not hurt Joanna the way I did, or Sirenda. I wish I had talked more to Aurellia when I had the chance and the whole Torrie thing sits uncomfortably. I could have spent more time talking to Jessica and I could have not made that mistake with Janet. I regret the entirety of my association with Teah and weep openly that I can no longer talk to Leah. Wendy gets a large portion of apologees, I did so many stupid things to her and I never got to tell her that I see them now, some times clearly and some times just barely. I’m okay with my Kellie association and Sussanah is going to be alright.

I suppose that my next mistake is just around the corner behind or in front of my next big success.

I wonder which one it will be and what I will do when I get there.

Rodney TGAP
smiling through the tears

Orginal comments:

Nickname: ryan
Re: Knee Deep in Nostalgia
I loaded a CD-R about a week ago that I burned in ’97. I found all sorts of interesting Wordperfect documents that I had written. I found a converter on Freshmeat and read about a very distant Ryan:

I found a Ryan that was a communist, a deist for a while, an atheist for a while longer, someone madly in love with a girl named Maggie, an interesting first person account of the crucifiction of Jesus, a bunch of first generation mp3s that were mainly crap and a story about Ryan destroying the world and being indicted by an extraterrestrial jury.

I had rediscovered a lot about where I’ve been. I’ll take your advise Rodney, I’ll slip the disk back in it’s sleeve and open it back up in 293 years. I wonder if there will still exist a converter for WordPerfect 5.0 docs in the year 2297?