Original article posted by ravenpaine:
Journal of a Night
Entry 32 – February 15
I don’t know what I want right now, but I know that I cannot have it. The music keeps me going and I seem to be catching a second wind when it comes to this collapse into a coma stuff, but eh…
I’m sad you see. I’ve been having these problems understanding where I am. Gaming is a part of my life, my favorite hobby you see. It contains elements of reading and writing and acting and occasionaly it involves harming pixels so that you feel better about life in general.
I spend my weekends gaming until I collapse and then I get up on Monday and go about life as usual. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem. Lately, however, I have been noticing that I cannot remember what happened to my weekend because of this. I get up on Friday and then suddenly is is Monday and I cannot think and I do not know where I am mentally.
It’s the gaming, you see. I spend all weekend planning for games, which now is up to two or three that I run and one or two that I am in. The rest of the weekend is sleep and a little bit of cleaning and food eating. Soon I will play in two more games.
I think that at this point I may be reaching a stage where the sleep (full of dreams where my second personality runs around doing “great things”) and the gaming (where an imaginary extension of me runs around doing “great things”) are killing the reality (in which I write and read stories about imaginary dreamers who run around doing “great things”) and in which I also occasionaly dream of a life in which my actions carry a weight and my dreams become reality.
I’m in love with this girl that I cannot obtain in a series of ways that are difficult to explain. I’m not from the right moral class, I’ve done too many things and I cannot let myself try to do anything that would taint this person. At the same time the previous sentence is bullshit and I can be whomever I want to be and I’m a good person. I deserve to be happy with a wonderful and beautiful girl. She’s kind and caring, she’s a bit of a thinker and a bit of a dreamer and all sorts of wonderful. I cannot stop thinking about her eyes and she smiles in such a way whenever she sees me that I could fly through the roof and around the world to reverse time and see it again.
But none of that matters. Not to her, well in all honesty and fairness not to the her that I perceive her to be. The problem with situations like this is that you cannot talk to the girl; ever. There is a barrier that exists between the object and the objectifier. She cannot be anything but what I have created her to be and… Then there is the possibility of rejection the oh so terrible idea that I am not good enough and I will be called on it.
I wish I could stop feeling unworthy, I wish that I could just put together the courage and the bravado and say I will do this thing. But then I start noticing my problems.
I’m incredibly insensitive. I cannot seem to fathom the damage an action of mine will do until much after the fact. I will write things here at this moment that will do horrible damage to someone sometime soon but I will write these things anyway because at this moment it is important that I do so. I’m forgetful when it comes to people that I may not want to spend time with. I cannot seem to acknowledge the existane of other people in the room when I am busy doing something that is “important” or “a matter of principle.”
I still have sex with Susannah once a week, an action which does not make me worthy of loving anyone. I still regret bits of the end of my relationship with Kellie, but I don’t know what those things are so I don’t bring it up.
Now I’m tired. The sadness has broken the truth has been printed. The words have finished spilling from my fingers into the keys. Whatever has been said will stay said and we shall see what happens because of it.
Please God, don’t let me fuck this one up because I couldn’t see it when I had a chance to do something about it. There have been too many like that already and I don’t think that I can take it much longer.
Bonne nuit, bonne nuit to you all.
Especially Jordan, I love you and hope that in some way I can make your life as beautiful and wonderful as you are as a person.
Re: And then there was thought
And may Saint Rita help you down your path.
Re: And then there was thought
You are a good person and a good friend. I wouldn’t have hung out with you over the past several years had that not been the case. I don’t know where you got the poster, but it is important to me and my conception of you : “I may be wandering but at least I can choose my own path.”
You have a strong character, to be sure. Sometimes that gets in the way, but more often then not, that is the reason people love you.
I have faith in you, and if you ever need a shoulder to cry on (metaphorically or otherwise) I’m here for you.