Original article posted by Olorle:

1.
She faded,
lying in bed,
a crumpled paper
lost in white sheets.

I watched. Listened. Held her. Cried.

2.
I walk through white noise,
another lost soul stalking
city streets, re-enacting man
fleeing the Garden.

3.
False arrangements of creation encircle
polished casket, playing against ghosts
of rough pine boxes, against rock piled
on earthen grave, against the pyre.

Lost funeral dirge murmurs beneath rote
Latin prayer.

Smoke curls between fingers, ash brushing
across tombstone, specter of old funeral pyres
that filled the sky with mourning.

Orginal comments:


Nickname: thewendy
commentsformycat
i adore the first stanza.
although i am not sure about the “I watched. Listened. Held her. Cried”- part.
maybe i do. it is the ican’tdie watching his lover die right?
but please, keep the space between that line and the dying girl part.

section two
do you need to actually say “another lost soul”?
is it not implied by the man fleeing the garden bit? but if you changed it the movment/sound thing you have going would be messed up. -when read out loud it doesn’t seem redundent.
i love white noise.

i like how the lines get longer in each section.

this is wonderful….i wants a copy.


Nickname: gandhi2
not bad
i haven’t read much of the rowsmikitty’s poetry. you’re pretty good. i have some criticisms, but don’t really feel qualified to critique poetry. as with many things, i pretend to be competent, and most people are too stupid to discern the difference.

i also like the stanzas getting longer; time stretching, more focused, more present, etc.
the placement of the line break on “Lost funeral dirge…”, it kind of contradicts itself, with “Latin prayer” contrasted. I hear a single cry, but with “rote” there’s repetition, and then the importance of Latin prayer emphasized. It seems like “funeral dirge” should have the emphasis.
i’ll stop before i get in over my head.

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