Original article posted by Soft_Pen:

I apologize for using the above gag (especially if it has been used on this site before). In my defense, however, I can say that the brutal mental flogging I have been enduring at school over the last few months has left me rather devoid of classy witticisms. I am not seeking sympathy from you, just empathy. My funny bones have all been broken, leaving me the jagged, splintered remains which I cradle and protect in the hopes that someday, if medical science ever advances far enough, they will be fused together again under a gigantic laser, making me simultaneously the funniest man alive, and the first survivor of the Uberglaubt Restorative Laser Therapy.

In the meantime, I will console myself with this small, stale piece of truth: not everyone who gets in the buffet line at Chuck-A-Rama is going to get a piece of the rump roast. In my case, I arrive at the remains, and the greasy server woman is telling me that all she has left is the stringy detritus that is deposited around the sides and corners of the roast’s pan. That stuff which, being stuck in the corner away from the heat source, has cooled, and has gathered unto itself the most astonishing array of coagulated fat and gravy. Now that, my friends, is good eatin’.

All is not lost, my friends. I have a great deal to look forward to this next month. The greatest being the trip to SLC to see America’s best (and underrated) blues/pop band, dada. If you have never heard of dada, you probably haven’t ever sat next to me on a long busride from St. George to Akron, Ohio. Do yourself a favor- put your 1/2 lb. bag of Valentine’s M&M’s in your Hello Kitty backpack, put on your little running shoes, and waddle over to Tim’s Groovacious. If he takes the M&M’s in trade, fine and well. If not, it’s time to call your parents yet again today. You will thank me later.

Okay, I think I’m ready to get back to the homework now. Remember: if you let them, these text books will get inside your mind, and then, heaven help you.