Original article posted by ravenpaine:

Entry 41 – March 23

Today has been going less than perfectly smoothly. There are reasons for this, there always are, but I’m never certain how many of them are actually reasonable. There seems to be a consipiracy going on around here. Someone is trying to stop me from completing an important set of tasks. Which is to say any task, really because anything I actually complete is far more important than anything I don’t get done at all.

It’s not like I’m a failure or anything.

So I made these mistakes. Three of them. The Three of Them, if you will. And I made them all today at roughtly the same time.

1. I got up and got going in rapid and pefectly succesful fashion. I was ready for my day by 7:30. I could do it all. I went back to sleep until 11:00 after showering, eating, and everything. I had these dreams. Half crazed dreams of fulfillment and pleasure. Things that you don’t get to do in a real life but the things that you wish were true and available. I felt great, all the stress of my life situations dispersed and I could clearly see myself and my goals.

This is never a good. This, is the sort of thing that sets you up for failure. This is the opposite of what I call a Fitzpatrick morning. Which is where a large, gruff Irishman punches you squarely in the gut the moment you wake up. Nothing worse can happen to you all day and everything looks up.

The Dream of everything important morning is a morning in which you will attempt all the things you are normally too cowardly to do. Which is good, a little courage can topple a nation, a lot of courage can kill you outright.

So…

2. I skip all of my classes under the pretense of staying home and getting massive amounts of important work done. The kind of work that is what you are really supposed to be doing in life and the kind of work that school and a job and everything else seems to skew the point of from time to time. I’m getting in there and working with full clarity; almost.

First I have to go and do…

3. Tell Xiao what it is that I have been feeling and how important it is. The type of conversation that has an eternal 50/50 chance of destroying your day. If you get a negative answer you can a) get angry and do something else with you day, b) get depressed and do nothing with your day. Or, of course, you could get a positive answer which leads you to a) achieving nothing all day as you revel in your success or b) you get out there and use the joy of your sucess propell you into doing everything you wish to do.

Then there is the third answer. The get interrupted at the moment of truth when you have, as they say in Georgia and R.E.M. so accurately describes as “loosing your religion.” Then you must postpone the conversation until later. Which has two distinct and intersting outcomes. You can a) go home and ignore it while getting everything else done or b) frett the entire time until the conversation while setting yourself up for ultimate failure.

I have chosen to do (a) with a distinct and minute by minute degrade towards (b).

This is why I normally just follow people around and pine for them rather than actually talk to them. You would be hard pressed to convince me that I gain anything from being closer to a person than I am when I dream of them.

So…

I’m sitting at home and working on this. I’ve cleaned my bathroom, I’ve folded laundery, I’ve had a bowl of cereal, and soon I will stare blankly at my script until I get something done, or not.

Yeah. This all looks familiar. I’m sure this is that place that I tend to go from time to time. Shame I can never quite remember which trail takes me back out to the main street and how quickly that will occur.

Rodney TGAP
Bonne nuit, bonne nuit to you all.

Orginal comments:


Nickname: Olorle
Re: Yeah, this looks familiar
Aaah, that was the piece of the puzzle I had missed previously. I suppose it really was time for you to go through with that as some sort of plan, what with how much your focus has shifted towards it of late. Only thing to do now is see how it all plays out I suppose. May your path be true, if perhaps less than straight.


Nickname: Chellee
Re: Yeah, this looks familiar
Problem number three strangely seems to be a prime example of a smart person picking everything to do with a relationship apart… you know, it’s easier for stupid people to fall in love?


Nickname: ravenpaine
You’d think so…
I tend to believe that this is precisely not what happens when smart people pick a relationhsip apart. This is what stupid people do, except neither party is stupid and they will both but a stop to it before it tears apart their consciousnesses.

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