Original article posted by ravenpaine:

Entry 44 – March 31, 2004

So I’m up and running today. I have coffee. I have bagel. I have a 10 minute French script written in an hour. I am doing great. I go to school. I talk to some people. I get insulted, slantily, by several professors who really, honestly, want me to do better but I keep not really doing anything.

So I start to feel bad, then I run into Kayleen, you know, that girl – the one who is with Greg, even though Greg is elsewhere – and she reminds just how distant I feel from people at the moment.

So I finally get home. I’m trying to call and make appointments and also fill out and drop off applications. I feel like stopping. I feel like giving up, because I will probably fail either way but I would rather be mad at myself for not trying then discouraged that I”m not good enough.

Yeah. Like that.

That is why i occasionaly break into show tunes. And why I am oft reported to be daringly handsome and the most intersting guy anyone has met; ever.

I even have a website; this one. I even have somebody writing a fanfic about me. For those of you unversed in the art of the fanfic, allow me to assist you. A fanfic is a story utilizing charcters that someone is interested in, and then using them to construct a story that is likely to be one of their adventures but is not written by the original creators.

It has two side effects, one positive, one negative.

The first is seeing what another person would do with your character and the interesting things that could have happened if you were writing in collaboration.

The second thing is that few people can use the charcters as well as the creators. An essential essence escapes in these times and the character ends up being present somewhat askew.

There is another strange issue when the character in question is you. How do you respond to the visions other people have for a fictionalized you? Does it mean something? Should it mean something?

I stubbed my toe and gave myself a paper cut on my knuckle today. There is an ache in my toe and an itch on my knuckle. Altogether I wonder where this day is headed and how much I won’t want to be there when I get there.

Bitch, bitch, bitch – as Grampa Simpson would say.

So fine, I’ll stop complaining. Let us talk about something else. Like my writing. I really like everything I write currently. I feel that i am in a “zone” of some sort. All projects are met with a combination of delight and genuine effort. Ah, the zen of it all.

Now, if only my knew plan will work.

My new plan, and Angie helped formulate this, is to put a pool together. Everyone throw in $5 and bet that Rodney will not get his work done for the day. Each day Rodney fails you get your money back doubled (to be payed eventually when Rodney has money). If Rodney succeeds though, he nets the money and thus makes money and completes his school work.

The only problem with this plan is I don’t know how to get a Vegs sports book to support it. That is where all the real money is.

Well, my papers are a calling. And I must at least go and stare at them across the long and shitty void.

Rodney TGAP
Bonne nuit, bonne nuit to you all.

Orginal comments:

Nickname: thewendy
sending you hugs
you are one of the more interesting, handsome men in my life.
and you are quite good enough to do just about anything you feel like, so stop being sily.
sending you wendyhugs.