Original article posted by Dyistar:
We had a fight, her and I. Excuse me. We had a discussion. I left. She asked if I would come back later. I said I’d think about it. I didn’t. Didn’t think about it or go back. I found out later from one of her friends that if I had I would have been able to have her. You know what I mean. I still haven’t decided if that’s disappointing or not. Not that it matters. I don’t have a time machine so it really makes no difference either way.
It would have been nice to have her virginity, however. At least I think I deserve it more than that ape of a boyfriend she has now. I swear she’s dating him just to spite me. I have no proof that they’ve had sex, but he doesn’t seem to be willing to wait and I’m not sure Trina can hold him off. Amanda won’t tell me anything about their relationship. No, nothing about them, but everything about what I could’ve had if I had just stopped by. I think she gets a sick joy from watching my face go stiff everytime she mentions it. She’s a bitch and knows it, but that doesn’t stop me from getting from her everything that I can. But none of that matters now.
It’s raining now and I would laugh if I had the energy to do so. My engery is being taken up with dragging myself out of the lake, but after a moment or two I manage a chuckle. Brushing slimey strands of hair from my eyes I shove myself onto my back, feet still in the water.
I tried to end my life tonight.
Jumped off a bridge. Was hoping for the fall to stun me enough that I wouldn’t try to make it back up to the surface. I wasn’t anticipating that I would stop wanting to die halfway down. It wasn’t that my life flashed before my eyes, it wasn’t that I wasn’t ready to ‘meet the Maker’ yet, it was the fact that I realized why I wanted to kill myself. And the reason didn’t sit well with me at all. I could not have her and therefore I could not live. A bitter taste fills my mouth even now and I feel a cruel smile tug at my lips. What the hell is wrong with me? I prop myself up into a sitting position and cough up a few cups of water. Mama always said “should have” would kill me some day.
It killed her.
I stagger to my feet almost losing my balance and winding up in the lake again. Somehow I don’t think I would have made it out again. That thought keeps me standing, but just barely. Damn her anyway. I bet she had no intention of sleeping with me. There will be no more “I should have done so and so” or “I should have said such and such”. I stumble off in the direction of home, my shoes making sloshing noises loud enough to disturb the couple making out on the bench. I flip them off when they countine to stare at me after I pass them.
Trina is gone. When I get back I’m not going to do something childish like burn all of our pictures nor will I continue to pull them out to look at them. I will stop pumping Amanda for information and tell her to go screw herself. I will not go after the next girl who winks at me in hopes of showing that I, too, can get over Trina as fast as she got over me.
Nor will I stop looking, however. I give a small chuckle and straighten my shoulders a bit. Nor will I take her back when the fling with ape-boy is over. I stop to cough up a bit more water and continue down the road, resolving that the suicide attemp will be with a gun or something. There’s less walking involved if it fails.