Original article posted by Soft_Pen:

If you were to go to your nearest zoo, find the monkey cages, enter the cages, and wait for the chimpanzees to poop in their hands, then you could save yourself the trouble of buying the Star Wars trilogy which will be released this fall: you wouldn’t need to have crap thrown in your face.

Am I bitter over the news? Yes. Lucas is releasing his “definitive” vision of Star Wars (you know, the one that is pure tripe), and not releasing the original versions. Call me purist, call me fanboy, I don’t care. I hope every box comes packaged with a small sprinkling of small pox; that way, I don’t have to worry about moronic idiots who prefer computer-generated swill over creative cinema overpopulating the world.

Did you see the cantina scene in the special edition of Star Wars? It’s atrocious: Greedo fires first, then there is this weird cut where Han’s head magically shifts to avoid the laser bolt. So, Lucas doesn’t want to make Solo the bad guy, and he changes the scene. Ridiculous. And what about all the added garbage? If that is how we handle art these days, I’m gonna run over to the Louvre, and throw some nose piercings and tattoos on the Mona Lisa; I mean, that painting is soooo 16th century.

I really despise Lucas, nowadays. I don’t understand why he couldn’t do with Star Wars what he did with the Indian Jones trilogy- clean ’em up, ship ’em out. That is how you reintroduce a movie. Not throw gobs of worthless CG and extended scenes into the mix. (I would comment on the musical number in Jabba’s palace that was in the special edition, but I don’t think the people around me would appreciate the cursing.)

Ladies and gentlemen, we cannot sit idly by and allow Lucas to defecate on one of the few worthwhile contributions to the cinematic art. Revolt! Send letters of protest! Take those Howard the Duck posters down and burn ’em! We spend money on Star Wars affiliated items, which only gets us the intestinal discharge of swine.

It must stop!

(However, I retain the right to keep my Yoda mousepad. He’s just so cool!)

Orginal comments:


Nickname: Edward_Nigma
Re: GEORGE LUCAS MUST DIE!
Alas, your feelings over Mr. Lucas’s desire to rape my (and many of my generations) souls, are not without merit. We are told over and over again. “This is Lucas’s dream, and his movie, therefore he can do what he wants with them”. Pity, isn’t it. This is much the same logic as saying that Led Zeppelin should go back and do a series of special features to their classic albums. Think of it, they could ride the current wave of Tolkien fandom and have the Sean Austin or Liv Tyler singing a new version of “The Battle of Evermore”!
The point to be made is, if you establish yourself a fan base, based on movies that have become classics, don’t tamper with them. The best example of this happening in the past has been when Ted Turrner decided that all black and white moves needed to be colorized. The uproar over how it ruined the movies was huge, and films such as “it’s a wonderful life” that are classics because of their “faults” we’re part of what made them great. Needless to say they dropped doing the colorizations of films. I think Lucas has dried up on ideas to boot. He no longer looks at special effects as a way to carry a story, but instead see’s a small idea of a story as a way to show off what his special effects wizards at ILM have regurgitated out of their disk drives this week. I as many hope that Lucas will come around, but as we know he’s too busy swimming in his huge vault of cash a’la scrooge mcduck.


Nickname: SmokyWolf
Re: GEORGE LUCAS MUST DIE!
I do think that we have to allow Lucas his little update of his films, but why the flying blue sparks can’t he see that there’s a larger market for the “unimproved” originals? As many have noticed, his latest additions to the Star Wars universe have been c.g. extravaganzas. It seems that Lucas has forgotten that it wasn’t teh effects it was the story that drew us to the originals. Pity the man, he’s lost his understanding of the mystic beauty of storytelling.

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