Original article posted by Olorle:

Olivier
Moonlight filters through branches
staining world pale gray. Sidewalks
constrict around grass-patch, pressing
towards fading park bench. Black
and white world dyed back towards
spectrum of middle ground, evil
and good swirled.

Thoughts seem clearest at night,
nearer truth. Nearer heaven. Redemption’s
secret hidden somewhere amidst
darkest sin. Time falters, moon-shadows
putting on puppet plays of what came before.

One third rose and fought. Heavenly soldiers
fighting civil war.

What for?
What matter?

Not all earth-bound angels are demons
by choice. Change lurks somewhere
inside human spirit, human choice.

Redemption. True life.

The Fall
Gathering storm heralds
judgement as fighting
ends. Lucifer’s host
stopped, drawn short,
held back from offering
love and salvation.

Our choice, our rebellion
damned. God cursing
us all to earth without
life.

Then, the fall. Plunging
into earth’s hold.

No more a Prince.
No end in sight.
No Eden remains.
No Heaven after.

Still…
I must hope.

Earth Bound

1. Olivier
Questions flowed through heaven,
drawing out flaws, giving Lucifer
one-third the host to lead. Even
Arch-Angels followed. The
Morningstar flared brightly against
God.

But we were broken.

Earth is horrible and beautiful,
a prison for damned souls and home
of the blessed. The only path to
forgiveness. Only choice left
for us.

2. Uriel
Olivier endures his curse
and my whispers. “Forgiveness
means mortality. Fading shell.
Oblivion none see but I.”

Still, he searches, ignoring
warnings of Death. One
who stands where Azrael,
and Adriel, and Sammael
all fell. He clings to hope,
forgiveness, belief in life
amidst death.

Straits
Sun, glows violet,
drowns, extinguishes- gives
sky to clouds and moon.

Soft patches of light
reveal quicksilver mirrors
shredded by ships bow.

Current pulls sailors
beyond rippled reflection,
beyond saving touch.

Water laps at land –
calls men to watch, to listen.
Creak. Shatter. Silence.

Rain falls, building waves
upon waves. Electric flash
showing no-one fate.

Crescendo of sound
and water rending clouds,
leaves a tattered sky.

Rag doll figure draped
on rock, trembles, cold, alone.
Light swallows the moon.

Marooned
Salt torn skin. Muscles
ripple with anticipation
of each new pain.

Limbs protest forced
motion. Torn figure
draws up to see
nothing.

Water, rocks,
perhaps in the distance,
land.

A whispering voice
saying “Still
no escape.”

Orginal comments:


Nickname: Soft_Pen
Re: Olivier: Redeeming
I would comment on these poems, but I am much too terrified.

I feel evil.

So evil.


Nickname: thewendy
delightfully evil i think i’ll dwell in it for a bit
Cat- just some questions/suggestions to consider:

In the first poem does “No more a Prince” imply that the speaker is the Prince?

What was the fall like? Was it painful? How can you make us feel it?

I’m lovin’ your line breaks and punctuation- “No Heaven after./

In the second poem- Earthbound- do you need the but in “But we were broken”? How would it sound without the but? Keep the line by itself- it is strong by itself.
In the Oliver section of this poem, how is the earth both horrible and beautiful? instead of those two words could you give me a description- one that is horrible and one beautiful – horrible and beautiful to Oliver?

I think I am liking the Uriel section as is for now.

Straits: I’m glad it is a violet glow- otherwise I would think that it is cliche. Give me a hint, I like the mirror image but I am not quite sure what the mirrors are- the sky? clouds? Let me reread it a few times and think about it.

I love “beyond saving touch.”

What have you been reading/thinking/doing- what has changed your poetic voice so much? This is all very different in sound and image than you were writing even last year. Pretty. I am adoring it.

“Creak. Shatter. Silence.” Loves this.

Marooned: Do you need the comma after distance in the third stanza- is the pause you want already created by the line break? Do you need the “A” starting out the last stanza?

Questions you might eventually respond to in other poems:
So is the marooned person Oliver? Someone new? What is the land that he is on now? Is he running from Uriel?

These are just comments made after one reading. I’ll try to read them again tonight and comment a little more.
Overall I love the idea, images, music (or lack there of- wow no rhythm in the cats poem?- what on earth happened, this is not a bad thing)- etc.

sending you happy poet thoughts.


Nickname: Olorle
Massive Revision
I’ve now managed to spend most of last night re-vising this stuff further so that I can use it for the student-faculty scholarship deal that I agreed to join. Here’s the new version.

Olivier
Thoughts seem clearest at night,
nearer truth. Nearer heaven. Redemption’s
secret hidden somewhere amidst
darkest sin. Time falters, moon-shadows
put on puppet plays of what came before.

Sidewalks constrict around grass-patch,
pressing towards fading park bench, world
closing in. Black and white world dyed back
towards spectrum of middle ground, evil
and good swirled.

One third rose and fought. Heavenly soldiers
fighting civil war.

What for?
What matter?

Not all earth-bound angels are demons
by choice. Change lurks somewhere
inside human spirit, human choice.

Redemption. True life.

Beginning
Morningstar flared brightly against
God, showing us a new path,
another way, hope for all. Battle
raged, Arch-Angels clashing,
perfect beings and perfect war.

We were broken.
Overwhelmed.
Held back from offering
love and salvation

I was cast down. Our rebellion,
my choice, damned. God cursing
us all to earth without life.

The Fall
No more a Prince.
No end in sight.
No Eden remains.
No Heaven after.

Then, the fall. Plunging
into earth’s hold. Heaven
shredded away.

Still…
I must hope.

Splashdown
Sun, glows violet,
drowns, extinguishes- gives
sky to clouds and moon.

Soft patches of light
reveal quicksilver mirror
shredded by contact.

Current pulls Olivier
beyond rippled reflection,
beyond saving touch.

Rain falls, building waves
upon waves. Electric flash
showing no-one fate.

Crescendo of sound
and water rending clouds,
leaves a tattered sky.

Water hammers at land –
calls men to watch, to listen.
Creak. Shatter. Silence.

Rag doll figure draped
on rock, trembles, cold, alone.
Light swallows the moon.

Marooned
Salt torn skin. Muscles
ripple with anticipation
of each new pain.

Limbs protest forced
motion. Torn figure
draws up to see
nothing.

Physical, capable
of pain. Almost
human, except
immune to Death’s
touch.

A whispering voice
saying “No escape
for the damned.”

Earth Bound

1. Olivier
Earth is horrible and beautiful,
a prison for damned souls and home
of the blessed. Humans living life,
facing horror, yet pressing on. Other
fallen try to draw them down, swell
ranks of damned souls. But man resists.
They hope amidst pain, death, destruction.

Some find the way back home.

2. Uriel
Olivier endures his curse
and my whispers.
“Forgiveness means mortality.
Fading shell.
Oblivion none but I see.”

Still, he searches, seeking
mortality, ignoring warnings
of Death. One who stands
where Azrael, and Adriel,
and Sammael all fell. He
clings to hope, forgiveness,
belief in life amidst death.


Nickname: Olorle
Further Adendum
First draft of what would actually come very first in the book. Can’t quite get it formated, but everything involving the descriptions would fall in a column on top of each other through out the piece.

The Cast
Olivier – Once a prince,
heaven’s royalty,
believer in Lucifer’s
vision. Fallen angel.
Yet still seeker of
redemption. Escape
from damnation.

Uriel – Angel of death,
not fall, but standing
on the brink, standing
where eleven angels fell.
Guide, only lasting companion,
of Olivier.

Her – Mortal lovers,
women Oliver seeks
for comfort. For hope.

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