Original article posted by arylaina:

I came by again.
I knew I shouldn’t, but I’m
addicted to pain.

So many mistakes
have been forged between us, can
we ever forget?

Twisting, bleeding, pain
Is leaking, heart is crying,
I can’t stop thinking.

Bad memories loom
Like ghosts, singing a lament
For what I have lost.

I finally saw
you weren’t the only one
who cut like a knife.

Year of life gone by.
Mangled and cracked, I survive.
I’ve learned how to cry.

Alone in my room,
I look out the window, and
wonder what happened.

Heart full of haikus,
I write to relieve the pain.
I don’t think it works.

Orginal comments:

Nickname: arylaina
Please comment!
I forgot to say that in my actual post. But please, comments are welcome and appreciated.

Nickname: Dyistar
Re: Twist the knife
I like it. I’ve always sucked at haikus and really respect people who are able to write them. I especially like the last line because it is so true. Writing is a momentary distraction, but when you stop everything leaps out of the corner and bombards you again.

Nickname: Olorle
Re: Twist the knife
Comments, eh? Now you’ve done asked for it.

The sixth haiku comes closest to doing the thing that most haikus miss. The real challange of a haiku is that the last line is supposed to be a turn. It should draw slightly away from what the previous two lines said. Or add a new interpretation too them. Modify it in some way. The sixth manages that to a degree. A decent degree even.

Another really rough trick with haikus is adding immediacy and keeping it succinct. I place these together because they work almost the same. First, kill the ing’s. It’s an easy trap to fall into, but it makes it more concise if the actions happen.

Twist, bleed, pain
leaks, heart cries.
I can’t stop thinking.

This is one of those things that make form poetry so tough. The ing and filler words really help you say what you want while meeting the syllable count. I’m as guilty of this as anyone else, frankly, but it is one of those tricks to making a really good haiku. Then look for words that can be cut without losing meaning. Ussually the is a grand place to start.

Last, a single haiku works without a title. A series of haikus really can stand to have one to help link them all together. You’re limiting how much you can say in each poem all ready. Use the title as another place to slip in one more piece to the puzzle you’re attempting to lay out. Unless the twist the knife thing is the title. In which case I’ll mostly comment on titles and the need for them to be unique and interesting and add to the poem. Heh.

Anything more specific than my general haiku pointers would involve a print out and me sitting and scribbling notes and thoughts to say anything effective and usefull. Which is of course allowed. You just have to do the printing. I’ve all ready spent $15 on print credits in two weeks trying to keep up with my own poetry re-working needs.