Original article posted by Soft_Pen:
Anyone can tell just by looking at Tom Cruise that he has the samurai spirit (which I like to think of as “spamurit) in spades. When the movie “The Last Samurai” started he was just a stupid white soldier, who killed helpless apache children by the bushel. But later, after enduring the ancient Japanese rituals of drinking sake, eating rice with those clever chopsticks, wearing a silky soft kimmono, bowing to every single entity in the village including plants and chickens, and getting his face beat in by a samurai with a wooden stick, Tom Cruise was finally worthy to put on the armor of a samurai, and give those oh-so-samurai piercing glances. Now Tom is no longer Tom; he’s Tomurai, the Kataninator, SupaFlySamurai, or, as the villagers call him: “gaijin”, which is Japanese for “This guy really is one of us”.
When the credits to “The Last Samurai” rolled, I dabbed my teary little eyes, had a Combo Value Meal epiphany; if women and men in our day were to act like the samurai of yore, like Tomurai, there would be a lot less problems. Any old joe walking down the street can tell that the world is full of evil emperors like the one Tomurai fought. Despicable creatures who bring in outrageous contraptions like railroads. Despots who import sewing machines, forcing women, who have darned their husbands’ socks by hand for generations, to now use an efficient, time-saving device to darn their husbands’ socks. How dishonorable! We need thousands of samurai, samurai like Tom-san, who can take their keen-edged blades and slice open the bowels of these so-called progressionists like Rockefeller and Donald Trump. Actually, the first thing Tomurai needs to do is cut off the animal that lives on Donald Trump’s head.
I know what I’m going to do! I’m going to throw away my phone, my microwave and my Xbox out the window. I’m going to run away to Japan, book a tour to an ancient Japanese village, and just live in it, and let people say what they will. I probably will have to beg for food, and go potty behind some shrubs between tour buses, but that’s the kind of sacrifice a true samurai makes.
Just like Tom-san.
Re: Do It Like Tom
Well as Tom Cruise would put it, “Well L. Ron Hubbard Almighty” you’ve got a point. Once im done releasing these darn threatens I can get back to making samurai gestures of honor such as…. 1) Putting the most honorable toilet seat down after I am done as to not anger my domicile partner, avoiding a most “un-Good” death. 2) Resisting the urge to smack the hell out of another Gothic 17 year old from Bloomington hills as they exit the Hot Topics store exclaming “Dude led zeppelin sucks ass”. 3) Following said 17 year old out to parking lot and laying a most honorable smack down with extreme prejudice, making sure to appeal to the younger generation by stating that every beating I give is EXTREME, like a Mountain Dew Commercial. And finally 4) Figuring out that The Ocean Blue is one of the most underrated bands of the 90’s. Now back to my copy of dianetics!