Original article posted by ravenpaine:

Entry 61 – June 17, 2004

I want to tell you a little story. The cast is a familiar one, the plot somewhat contrived but hardly the sort of thing that you should worry yourself over, the ending will be the easiest thing to absorb, the details will sink in eventually and the subtext will someday become clear.

I’m awake. It’s nearly 4 am and I’m starting to type at my computer. I fear that a number of things will happen because I am typing. Two of which are the baring of my feelings, one of which is me cheating at living by baring my feelings.

I have come to believe that the true courage comes in keeping your trap shut and not bothering everyone around you with silly little details. I have oppotunities to work on several projects right now. I have developed a particular joy in eating nothing but rice twice a day and should surrvive in this fashion until July. In July I might try scrounging from other peoples homes until the 10th when I will recieve moneys from the government to keep me alive further. During the intervening time I intend to meditate upon my life and read everything that I can touch.

I cannot sacrifice the novel project, not now, not when it has so much potential. Also Cube has stepped forward to do some more art, something that I am always looking for. There is a contest online to get a story converted to a graphic novel and I think I should attack now while everything seems to be telling me to get my ass in gear and get these things done.

It is 4 am and I must be lonely. Not quite the song lyric but a certain enough sentiment. I have things that will be done soon. Other things that will start soon. I have to make a deal tomorrow for the fate of my life, but I tend to ignore that because it seems so irrelevant and far away, even when it is happening in as little as 10 hours.

I really need to recalibrate my boromitor to take this sort of thing into account.

It is 4 am and I am at peace. I feel a profound sense of quiet in my mind and in my soul. I wish only to share my experience with others. Which is why I type, which is why I write, which is one of two reasons that I have always written.

Writing, for me, is a way of letting other people know how I feel and it is also a way for me to shove my unique sense of everything in peoples faces.

I wear my heart and my mind on my sleave and then I have the audacity to ask for critiques of it all. Someday I hope that someone will tell me off about it in the right way, the way that not only makes you listen but puts it all in a stunning perspective.

I don’t have much more to do. One problem with quietude is that it really doesn’t muse me. i get no words from it. What I have layed down so far are the things that were waiting to be dumped out for the quietude to be complete. No new thoughts are generated in the meantime and I begin, seriously to wonder when I will see the other side of my own ambition.

For now I realize only two things. One, that I have dicked around with my education for too many years. I’m smarter than you are and I’m going to prove it in excruciating detail from now on. I will work harder than you and put out work that you couldn’t hope to accomplish and I’ll do it consistently. Two, I will no longer back down from the things that make my life less than interesting, no more sheepish glances and back-pedling. I will tell you off when I see you and I will tell you how I feel with the honesty and clarity that I feel it.

Lets see me do that. If only for a week. Then, who knows.

Rodney TGAP
Bonne nuit, bonne nuit to you all.