Original article posted by ravenpaine:

Entry 63 – June 22, 2004

One of the most annoying little bonuses that come with having more than one personality is that while one of you falls apart and succums to grief two other voices have to comment on it. One of them says that everything is as horrible as you imagine it and only the righteous act of hurting everything and everyone around you will fix the problem. The other thinks that you’ve gone to far and that every word you type is only one more strap on the straight-jacket of your life.

I’m going to be ignoring both voices for the moment. One is busy coping with Rodney’s new support everyone around him policy and the other is so concerned about losing a job that I need so desperately that it actually makes my bowels bleed. The following sentence was not hyperbole I’m in that kind of trouble.

Right at this moment I am penciling in my 3 am journal all of the terrible little ways that life can spiral out of my grasp and that I can go on a multiple day bender where things will disappear and people will be hurt and I will surface only when the damage is completely irrepairable so that the only remaining course of action is to have myself committed and sections of my head chopped out to protect the majority of the rest of you.

The loneliness, which was once somewhat amusing, and then a topic for meditation, and then the subject of a derisive series of rabid poetic thoughts has gone beyond the type of thing that you make jokes about and has gone straight into the sort of thing that will cause the end of my existance because it is an issue that must be dealt with. NOW. And at no other time.

I should have seen it coming. Or at least that is what I say so that some portion of me retains a semblance of self respect. I should have seen it coming because there are a number of things that have occured that fall into a “do not feed the animals” category. Rodney has been doing to many things in the past six months that do not befit Rodney. Certainly they made a certain form of peace within the mental community that we have here, but Rodney has been making all of the comprimises and demanding no changes of us.

We are almost completely in control now. It is an odd thing to say, to think, to type. I have long stood here to make sure that Rodney survives until he can do what he is here to do. But now?

But now…

Acceptance of the Nameless One was a useful comprimise. I have protected Rodney from the darker ravages of the Nameless One for a few years, but it was never the Nameless Ones intention to be “evil” he had a purpose one that Rodney had ignored and misused until it was twisted and vile.

The Nameless One has recovered a lot of its original purpose in the past three months but all of the excess emotion that it supplies, the love and joy, the hope, the grief, the sorrow, the anger… all of it has been relatively untouched. Rodney isn’t reading or writing enough to deal with all of this without an outlet. Gaming has become to commonplace and of so little use for this purpose. No one has mattered enough to talk to.

Some people will take that to be an insult, I assure you that it is not. You are all aware that you have a particular value in the eyes of others. We all do. But no one in recent days has had the value that Rodney will often place in one or two individuals to take care of him when everything else seems to be turning and shifting in ways that he cannot deal with.

Greg is too far to be reachable and all his remnants can do is point to a situation that is veering quickly out of control.

Usually a female is selected and handed the power to stop this sort of psychic, mental, emotional meltdown.

Currently picking one of those would only act as a catalyst to the situation.

This is because of the final comprimise, the one that I knew would occur someday but was trying to prevent.

Rodney has decided that everyone is more important than himself and has been giving more and more of his effort to keeping other people happy and motivated.

Rodney is an egoist. He may try to deny it and may try to come across as something of an alturist, albeit a violent fascist versions, but we all know that the world is about him and everything else is only important because he likes the world and its peoples so much.

Now that Rodney has decided that living for others is so much more important than living for himself he has made a crucial error.

I think I need to make a point here, a point that I neglected to make a moment ago. Living for other people is a wondeful thing. The sort of thing that many religions and philosophies will point out is the end result of an awful lot of searching, praying, thinking and so on. It is the second step before enlightenment and God.

Given that living for others is such a wondeful thing I need to clarify what happens when you are part of a combined consciousness and decide that living for others is your primary goal. Consider, if you will, a constuct of society where everyone is given a specific task to do and everyone doing their personal task continues to motivate and perpetuate society. Now, imagine what happens when one of the jobs within that society becomes pointless in the minds of the people who do that job. Soon their portion of the social adhesion comes into question. If they were to actually stop working would everything fall apart? And if it doesn’t fall apart then what use are they?

Perhaps that is too complex of an analogy for what is such a simple point.

You cannot have multiple personalities and ever stop fighting to be the dominant personality. When you decide that a personality is no longer necessary it drifts off, as I someday hoped to do. But you cannot abandon the core personality! It doesn’t work that way. If for no other reason than the subsidiaries are merely fragments of the whole given more sentience. If Rodney completely abandons what he has been doing then we are all in for a gradual fading and then….

Nothing.

Rodney cannot be allowed to give up on himself. We are here to support him, we cannot take over for him because without the central portion we do not actually exist.

Not that I actually have a plan. I can barely get away with typing this. To many delete keys and the message does not get anywhere.

Do something.

Someone.

i’m out of ideas.

Vincent
and
the Nameless One

Orginal comments:


Nickname: ravenpaine
Re: WARNING: Writer Feels Fragile, Alone, Psychotic
I would just like to point out for all of you in the home audience that I had very little to do with this article and disagree with most of Vincent’s claims.

Sure, I’m feeling worse than I normally do in the I’m all alone and there is something wrong with that category, but mostly it’s just insomnia.

Insomnia being a wholly new phenomenon for Rodney, normally I just fall asleep and stay there, last week I was sleeping 10-12 hours a day and this week I barely get 4 and I feel great.

I really don’t know what that means, and while I am certain that it is physically worrisome in an illness and fatigue sort of way I doubt very much that it is actually effecting/affecting my overall mental health.

So in conclusion I appreciate the warmth and so on that I have recieved today but I am doing pefectly fine in my own way and I would appreciate it more if I wasn’t treated like I”m about to die of a terminal illness and was instead treated like the kind of guy who just hasn’t been himself recently.

Particularly because I really am a new kind of me and don’t want to be held to too many of my previous habits.

Anyway,

Rodney TGAP
The one, the three, the guy in charge of the other two; usually.

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