Original article posted by ravenpaine:

Entry 65 – July 4, 2004

I stopped wondering why I get depressed and moody some time ago it just became terribly unimportant “why” when you could spend so much more time looking into the “how” and “when.” Last time I checked the reasons to be depressed fled into the dark cloak of time while the what I’m going to do about it and the how long before I get back into a normal schedule become more prevalent.

I have stopped allowing myself to ask the question “Are you okay?” to myself. The answer is usually “no,” but also the question feeds into a certain type of loop that I would rather leave at the side of my mental highway to be picked up by wandering vigilantie trash collectors.

Where are those damn vigilanties when I need them anyway?

I dunno. I’m caught trying to type about something important and at the same time I’m trying to not just blubber about things that I have already blubbered about. I suppose I want some reassurance that all of this will mean something.

Back in the day 5-6 years ago I used to believe that the events I lived through were in some way shaping me to be a better me. That there were reasons that all things happened and I could use all of these events to become a more powerful, sharper version of myself. Instead I find that I am becoming blunt and dull and jaded to the whole thing. When a problem comes at me I say, “Meh, I can deal with this, or not, either way makes little difference.” I’ve survived enough horror and trauma and stupidity that more of the same only serves to reinforce my drive to not care.

There was a time when I freaked out and got angry at everything and was constantly in a fight physically or verbally. I would get involved in lost causes and horrible danger just to know that I was doing something. Now, now I get involved in things just to see if anything can happen that I will react to.

And I do react, at first, for a short while, then I simply slip off into the emotional coma of a person who knows that the end results and consequences will not effect him because he has little to lose and no ambition to succeed for any reason.

I don’t want to stop trying to do things, I just want to stop being so well adjusted to everything that I can write it off if necessary. The ultimate in tricks to protect myself emotionally is to simply disbelieve in the permanance of life and its choices. Come what may I will still be here and I will still find some way to occupy my day. Nothing will change that.

I have nothing to fight for and nothing to protect and no reason to defend myself versus the things that would seek to harm me because I know that even if I am harmed I’ll just recover and the only thing I will lose is some time and time, well, time is the sort of thing that requires very little effort to deal with, it will happen after all, and you will be effected by it no matter what.

Yes, the curse of being a fatalist is in trying to say that something matters, because in another set of events it would not have mattered and neither would you.

Which is all a defense mechanism to stop me from just falling over in a gibbering pile because there are so many wondeful things that I want for my life and so many fantastic people to meet and spend time with on the planet. It’s just been so long since either of these two things, the things that I really find are worth fighting and living for, has produced any positive result.

I cannot hope and I cannot dream and I cannot love, because none of these things are ultimately up to me and therefore I have no promise of a return of my investment and a lot of immediate torture to face if I even contemplate the reward of such things.

Like my father has always tried to tell me, despite the fact that he has never listened to it himself, “Don’t spend money that you will get, but don’t yet have.” The more you get yourself excited over the things that you could soon accomplish the more trouble you will be in if any part of your plan for the future does not work out. Eventually you will spend all of what you do get trying to compensate for the oversights created by planning for more. And thus you end up with a lot of effort and no end products.

Perhaps, someday, I will paradigm shift and learn to simply value the accomplishments of each day without trying to add their contents to the grand total I assume exists, because I created it for myself.

Rodney TGAP
Bonne nuit, bonne nuit to you all.

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