Original article posted by ravenpaine:
Entry 67 – July 8, 2004
I’m going to break into this one by first explaining why this can be reffered to as an “article” even though it is a journal entry. An article, in the strictly journalism sense, is a piece of writing that reports about an event. The events in quesion are what I have been doing with my day. Certainly I am not impartial or fair in the things that I say about my day, but if I was then this really wouldn’t be all that worth reading.
Now that that is over with…
The upodate on the whats for those of you not in the loop is that riding a wave of odd depression and anti-social behavior for several weeks I suddenly discovered on Tuesday that I would not be recieving $700 in financial aid refund as I was hoping to recieve to pay off various bills and go on certain activities. Instead I found out that I was on financial aid suspension and the reason that they could not get any of this pertinent information to me was that the school was sending such notices to an adress that I have changed three times but was listed as my “permanent” adress despite the fact that I have not lived there for six years. On top of that I have to pay $900 by August 1 or I don’t get the grades for the classs that I took as is.
So, I have this set of financial problems suddenly. And I am no stranger to financial problems.
To the rescue is the fact that I do have a job and I only need to work it daily (that includes weekends) until school starts to take care of all of this. Oh sure, I need an extra $450 by August 1 because the paycheck that would help me out in this way I do not recieve until August 9. Which is par for the course.
On top of this we will had a seemingly doomed event that I scheduled with Xiao. The event was actuallly much less doomed then some other events I have had with her and after walking around town for only one hour, in the heat and I’ve been showing signs of heat stroke and sniffing paint fumes for six hours a day, and being assaulted by an odd drunken Navajo fellow who wanted me to give him money for a beer, or barring that just a beer, things finally came together.
And we watched this really interesting film “In America.” As Xiao pointed out at the conclusion of the film the film only raelly presents itself as a good piece of work if you have, as we have, suffered the death of a loved one that you just refused to let ago until it started killing off other bits of yourself.
Which brings me to the catharsis advertised int he title. I had a daughter about two years ago that did not make it into the world. Technically it was miscarried before it was an it, let alone male or female, but depending upon your stance in the abortion issue you may see anything that is concieved as a life form, I know that I do.
And instead of dealing with the bits of me that feel that I lost something, excuse me, someone, in that ordeal, I instead decided to write the whole thing off and forget about it. This has been slowly festering for a while now but came at me most severely recently as I have been confronted by numerous peoples and movies that have daughters and reflect the rewards and difficulties in raising a child.
I feel cheated by all of this, of course, until suddenly I realize what bothers me the most is that I did not properly deal with this as an issue some time ago but instaed used my fantastic mental illness powers to create a reality in which this simply hadn’t happened. Which is a terrible thing to do to the memory of a lost child.
So I’m working on a new plan that will help me deal with that.
In the mean time most of my problems with feeling desperately lonely all the time transist from an inability to find a female to care about to needing someone to care about to fill in that spot that is gaping so largely and ickily in the side of my soul. My need to become financially stable and be able to take care of myself, let alone anyone else, also come into a sharper focus as some portion of me thinks that I have someone I should be taking care of in this way.
So now I have a reason for all of the muck that has been wandering around inside of me. Now I can find a solution. And I can work at that solution until I make progress.
Bonne nuit, bonne nuit to you all.