Original article posted by ravenpaine:

Entry 77 – October 12

There exists a school of thought that states always begin with a joke, but right now I’m feeling somewhat less than funny. In fact I really feel like ripping apart secions of the cosmos and letting lethal doses of radiation permeat the world just to see what would happen. I know what a radiation burn looks like so this is not an idle thought or a simple need to lash out with grotesque imagery.

My intellecutal palate could use some cleansing, as could my emotional stop-gap response system. I’m freaking out again over a variety of things both spirtual and mundane and all of them demand startling and dramatic changes but without any sort of guidance or goal.

Almost every system in my body wants things to be other than they are and none of them is about to tell me what things to change.

I recognize this phenomenon as “the Fear,” which is not an isolated incident in my life nor is it an isolated concept to feel as a human. Hunter S Thompson felt “the Fear” many times and coped with it the same way i am, typing angrily and quickly while I still can in hopes that by the time I’m done everything will have coalesed even a little and I will have a form of patience and a conscience again.

I still predict that overall it will go poorly. I cannot afford to have a mid-semester freak out, I do have one every semester so I should just be used to the timing and do my best to get through it quickly. However, as I have already had an early semseter freak out I thought that I might be able to skip the middle one just this once.

There are few things in life more horrible than to constantly ask yourself if you can be trusted. If perhaps anything and everything bad that has ever been said about you is true and to begin sacntioning yourself in case it was true so that you can isolate the porblem and stop the spread of damage. I have felt this way too often for my short number of years, and yet I have to maintain a powerful and overbearing ego just to stay alive from day to day. This causes the occasional, regularly timed, freak-outs that I experience.

But mine is a mind both creative and logical so I will sit and postualate about what I am doing and how I feel hoping that answers will become, if not apparent, than at least locatable. There have got to be solutions for some of these issues somehere within me and I will find them or die. And the death thing is constantly looming ever closer. I can feel certain higher functions shutting down and section of me just ceasing. I no longer want to live under the burden of my own past and memories.

Which I do not think is an uncommon thing. Many people wish they could undo the harm they have caused but as I get further along I simply don’t want the impact of my own actions to exist anymore. I believe to deeply in Fate and causality and my ego is much too large for me not to assume that all situations are not influenced by me to some degree and I watch the worlds that are created from my deeds and sometimes I just want to wipe it all clean and start over.

But that is all needlessly Nihilstic. I dont’ feel that much oblivion at the horizon, it is simply something that I contemplate from time to time. The issue that actually bothers me at the moment is how little consistency I can maintain in life. I can do a startling large amount of work in a single day and then do nothing for nearly a month. The world will not let me work in my own time table so I must obviously adapt to the worlds time table, but the question is should I do as much as I am capable of each day or should I simply do what is necessary and move on.

Either solution will create problems for me and I cannot see which path will create more problems for others. And now I’m simply egrandizing myself as if my decsions had any bearing on anyone elses life.

Long live the asshole.

The Bastard.

The guy who thinks and therefor has problems

Rodney TGAP
Bonne nuit, bonne nuit to you all.

Orginal comments:


Nickname: Cornelius
Re: Languish not, toil often
Doing all that you can each day just so you can say you’ve been busy leads to the crazies. If doing a thing is important to you then you should do it. If you are doing a thing for someone else out of unselfish motives, then you should do it. If you are doing a thing just so you can say, “Look, I did a thing!” then maybe you should re-evaluate why you’re doing it. Some things, while considered noble in general, are not worth the effort for some people to do.

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