Original article posted by ravenpaine:
Entry 78 – October 18
Bjork, one of the true and endless loves of my life has a song entitled “I’ve been thinking again.’ So I’ll use that as my launching point as I attempt, not for the first time to pull an all nighter, not because I need to, not because I’m such a night person that i simply cannot sleep, but only for the experience of being up and about when so many other people are not. It is at these times that I start to feel things and think things and experience the world as if through some sort of cosmic focal lense that forces all the drudgery out of the way and only relevance can exist in a pure crystaline form.
Now is a very dangerous time for someone of my often fragile psyche to be putting too much thought or opinion into anything. Now is the time that my mind is most open to all suggestions and many thoughts and nothing is seen with darkness or anger until after it makes its way in. Then, and only then, are the censors turned on and the things which have wandered into my brain and into my soul given such scrutiny that they scream in a combination of pain and remorse.
There are many things to be learned from the screams of ones enemies and allies alike. There are things that can be learned from screams that no man should know and that knowledge should never be shared. I’m certain that there are things within the night that are becoming commonplace enough to be a threat to everyone. There are things that we should not know that we have unending curiosities for and those things are gathering power through belief and will eventually, if not sooner, come for us in the places and at the times that we are most vulnrable.
None of which really has to do with what I’m thinking tonight. Those were simply idle thoughts that needed to be put down for some puropose or time.
No, tonights excursion into the skull is a little more personal. You might have seen some of the posting my life long friend Greg has been making. I have sent him no information in something closing in on six months. I worry my good friend because there is a vast amount of information I could impart to him none of whcih will brighten his day or assist him in his chosen life.
I give this same sort of excuse for most of the reason I do not write regularly. I either have nothing to say or nothing to say that cannot be said better by someone else. The things that I do have to say and that should be said by only me I tend to hope that I never actually have to say them. A combination of fear of success and need not to burden others with the trials and pains of my own life combine to create a foolish blend of silence and enraged blather.
I apologize for any writings that you read that you feel you would rather have not read. I’m there with you on most of those occasions wishing that I had not felt justified in telling you these things or worse, I just did not care to spare you the burden of them. My pain will be shared, nay, thrust upon you and you will bear it because I’m not always the nicest of people.
I do things that I regrett, as many people do, but unlike so many people, I do not let these things go. I harbor each of my sins in a sort of mental clipboard damning myself until I have made amends for each of them.
I have made amends for a great many things in my life, I assume that I have a great number more to put to rest between now and an eventual end to all things. Which I have no concluding statements about. I say these things but I really have not deliberated on them to any real ends.
I simply mention them as a matter of course.
I do not have much to say tonight. I have whimsy and regrett. I have doubts and hopes. I have a drive and a passion to accomplish certain tasks and an unrelenting gnawing terror of what will happen if I do.
And I have an audience, whcih means that I have a purpose.
But what purpose? What purpose, indeed.
Bonne nuit, bonne nuit to you all.
Re: One night only…
“I either have nothing to say or nothing to say that cannot be said better by someone else.”
Yes. See, see, this IS one of those things I could say myself, but you just said it better, so I don’t need to say it. This is why I have not written much in over two years, when writing used to be an abiding passion and hobby of mine. I simply don’t do it much anymore, and when I do, I usually destroy the product shortly after creating it.
Perhaps when I get very tired and drifty, I need to sit down at my computer instead of staring at my blank walls.