Original article posted by ravenpaine:
Entry – Too long since to remember at all
I should, by any and all usual definitions, be livid at this point. There are so many things exploding and falling apart in my life right now that you would think that I would rise up like a mighty being from some legend and begin the process of destruction and rebirth necessary for the coming of a new and better age.
Instead I’m cleaining urinals three times a day for upwards of 14 hours.
And I still cannot pay my rent, so I still get to live like a vagrant from place to place and moment to moment.
I have no clean laundry. I’m wearing swim-trunks instead of underwear. I have not showered in 4 days, my scalp is starting to feed upon itself, my hair can stand nearly 1 foot straight up when coaxed, and I have something that looks like a fungal bloom growing on one of my toes that shows no sign of giving up and leaving.
Right now, however, it is in remission. Taking a stick of pumice to your skin will do that. Shure its bleeding all over and I’ve swapped bandages on it three times in the last 2 hours, but I may very well have saved myself from a rot just this side of leporsy.
I need a home. I do not normally live well outside of a home and right now I don’t have any of the things I normally need to stay alive and well.
Mostly I live on in the pursuit of a dream, or the ideal of a dream, or the ideal of the personification of an ideal of a dreams mystical half-thought. And if I take a moment to realize just how unlikely I am to succeed at that dream? There wouldn’t be enough of me to scrape into a small wet sack.
And I suspect that that bubble will burst once and for all this Friday. Which leads me to wonder why it is that I’m hoping so much for Friday to arrive. Am I such a thrill junky that I need this “eye of the storm” kinda time just to reflect, to aspire, to set my self up to fall properly and good and hard? Or is hope just one of those blinding things, no matter how much you know it will not pan out, you refuse to give up and aknowledge that?
Any of it?
Bonne nuit, bonne nuit to you all.
Re: Pain Threshold
I don’t know what to say other than God loves you and so do I. I can’t do anything about it either. All the advice I can give you is if you think you are being wronged by the Creator of the Universe, try talking to Him about it. It worked for me.
Re: Pain Threshold
Hmm I dont know about the whole God loves you thing, but I get you, I once was also in your position of sorts except mine began almost three years ago I had no home and no food i just left, i slept in a chemical test site for weeks on end I have the burns to prove it and I did finaly get a job! I spent two years at that hell only to come home and run into a girl I had not seen in five or so years only to once again piss her off and I wont see her for another ten.
So i feel you there and when this was written it probably seemed like nothing was going right now I am sure it is not that way anymore but the scars will always remain from the past, a new age does begin the end of the sixth and beggining of the seventh age is almost upon us, the spirits have chosen to clear us out with pestilence this time I believe.
I can tell you talking to Deus (God) is futile i did it most of my teen life and it got me nowhere (ex LDS here, if you want I can tell the story of how I became what I am today it starts with Deus)
I wonder what you were setting yourself up to fail with? I hope it was not a girl, been there done that over and over and over again, they are not of value trust me! Oh yeah and watch out for the one you call -soma- do not turn your back on that one she is weak but she is smart the only reason she can not totaly over come me is because I know better to underestimate her and she does underestimate me quite a bit so I have the power in my hands not hers.
Oh sure yeah she tells me she is never talking to me again of course but that has no sway over me she did that once or twice already and I did not see her for a long time anyway plus if she goes to school here up north it is very in my power to be able to find her whenever I want to anytime i want to so the power is not with her it is with my choice of if I want to see her I will see her anytime “I” choose.
By the way she will take that as a threat, easily threatened to I might add, if it was her you were after I would have to say sorry dude she only likes queers! I am safe she hates my ass, probably has a dislike for you too I would imagine! Am I right?
Anyways if you like to piss her off if you ask me I can tell you how to piss her off, its not hard, but if you really really want to piss her off I am the guy to talk to, i am honest to an overbearing nature.