Original article posted by ravenpaine:

Entry 84 – October 31, 2005

There are certain days when I tell myself not to overthink everything, to go witht he flow and start to live in the moment and get into the rhythm of the dance of life. There are other days when I tell myself that the thing I most want to do is the definatively wrong thing to do. There are days where I know what I should do and why I should do it and I do nothing of the sort. There are days where I make the most exacting decisions on pure impulse and find that I can suceed at tasks that daunt teams of experts. There are days…

Hubris happens.

Somedays you are so much more full of yourself than you actually have a reason to be. There are days where you should have more confidence in you and the group of people you have recruited through life to assist you. There are days where you will betray the trust of everyone one of those people because you are ultimately flawed.

I claim to be a fatalist. I claim to adhere to a creed of come what may you cannot control what will happen to you in life you can only do what you are going to do about it. But most days I find myself slipping into the incredulous hole of “everything happens for a reason.” All actions are deliberate, all moments occur because they will occur everything that will ever happen is going to happen because that is what will happen.

I’m uncomfortable with any predeterminism theory that isn’t used to seduce a british woman.

The most appaling actions of my life are all things in which I have… and I do regrett using this term… a lack of agency.

Damn it all, no. I had a lack of will. I was in the situations and I did not do waht I should have. I did not do what i should not have. I did not DO anything. I walked into these events and just went on autopilot, letting anyone and anything make my decisions for me but me. And I have paid for each of these moments to a degree that is nearly unfathomable. I try to blame myself for the misery and ruin in my life, in fact I punish myself daily for things I did so long ago I cannot remember the color of the carpet in which the event occured. And yes, I was there, I did do these things… but again I didn’t really DO anything. I did nothing and now I’m punishing myself for it. I allowed the bysstander effect to be perpetrated in my own life.

I keep thinking about all of the things that I’ve done in life and I keep comparing them to the way I currently live and I have found that back in the day I was always doing something. Now, however, I may be lucky to do ONE thing a month that I care to repeat to anyone, and even those things I’m likely not to remember because they are so awash in sea of apathy as to lose all color and flavor.

Unfortunately these insights do not, on their own, change my life. If antything I must take this as the start of what I’m actually supposed to be doing.

Doing is what I’m supposed to be doing. Not sitting. Not thinking. Not acting out. Not worrying or wallowing. Doing.

And this here? This writing thing and the reading thing that inspired me to do it? Those are the things I’m supposed to be doing the most. They are the things that I really DO that no one else can do. This is what I’m here to do.

No funny ending, stay tuned.

Rodney TGAP
Bonne nuit, bonne nuit to you all.

Orginal comments:

Nickname: Cornelius
Re: Someday…
I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but I’ve got to say it anyway. Living the Gospel is the only way to be truly happy. My life has taken a dramatic turn-around in the last few years. It’ll work for you too, if you’ll let it. God loves you and so do I.

Nickname: ravenpaine
Re: Someday…
I believe you, really, I do… It’s just that I’ve got this thing against Micheal and Peter… and I keep thinking that they’re in charge….

Nickname: Asmodeus
Re: Someday…
God Has foresaken us he put us on this hell we call earth, tells us to love, yet he put’s all sorts of rules on us, telling us how we should love. No, I hate God, and I hate the Christ and I hate most men and christians. The christ died in vain for me.