Original article posted by ravenpaine:

Entry 85 – November 11, 2005

I called a sucide hotline tonight. Not because I’m having any sort of tendancy… I just wanted the answers to some questions.

I’ve been reading again…. comics mostly, and some short stories, some poetry… short things, but things that are printed and that take time and effort to read… and they have been opening up bits of me that refuse to stay down regardless of how often I personally put bullets through the back of them.

I would be a great deal better off with some dead bits… all burned out and unable to function anymore, never able to think or see or feel or disagree with the majority.

Democracy is the theory that people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard. -HL Mencken.

It is so hard to disagree with a man of such pith.

I need, rather, I will or must remind myself why it is that I started all of this in the first place. Or, more importantly, what am I currently after, because it really doesn’t matter what I was originally after, what is important is what I want now. I’ve lost all sense of purpose and direction and I desparetaly need both.

So below will be a jumbled bunch of sentence about things I give a damn about and then I’ll figure out what the pattern is and start categorizing them by importance, then we’ll see what kind of life i could eventually/soon/maybe living.

Orginal comments:

Nickname: Cornelius
Re: Too much social defiance…
I like the quote about Democracy. I really wish I could help you, but I’m too far away, or rather, too out of the know, to give you specific advice. I firmly believe that prayer and the scriptures have the vast majority of answers in them. I can’t tell you more than that. I wish I could.

Nickname: Asmodeus
Re: Too much social defiance…
I am one person that understands, there is probably no one you know that knows how you feel better than I do. I do have something to say but I will write you in private for that. You are not feeling suicidal like most people do, however its there, tucked way deep down inside your being. You don’t know who you are anymore, that is why you hate it when people say they know you how can they know you if you cant even understand yourself?

Well ok maybe that is how “I” feel right now. I personaly would love to get rid of how I feel, taking away the emotion love is what I seek most right now, Kellie helped me along with that one. How would it be to not love or not feel, just be a cold calculating machine!?

Hmm well that is all I guess, see you around and good luck pulling through, its hard but eventualy you will pull through it and than it will come back so on and so forth.

Nickname: Junpei
Re: Too much social defiance…
You’re suggested first to resort to scripture and prayer(1), then you get a nice comment from the resident satanist(2) who mostly just talks about himself. While this is amusing, something like a digital version of shoulder angels maybe, I really can’t leave you like that.

(and yet, in 3 attempts, everything I write below this line just comes out as too wordy. fuck.)

Maybe I’ll just leave you with a vague sense of an idea and then remind you that you know where I live and that I go to bed at ten. Deal? Deal.

Success is nice, but it will not give you purpose. Perhaps helpful, perhaps not, but something I have found.

I offer one suggestion, as well. I have often done something extremely similar to what you’re attempting to do, in your soon-to-be-written jumble of sentences. I imagine myself lying in a grass field, because I like grass fields and I particularly like lying in them. I cut off anything that is a responsibility. I become untethered, a word I have never used to refer to this until now. I just cut everything off. It’s sort of like reverse suicide. I kill the world rather than myself. I remove it, and remove it’s influence, and leave only myself behind. Then, I wait for desires to come. Eat, sleep, warmth, these generally come first. Then I want friends, then I want a few comforts and mild pleasures. I do like a good video game, which are rather difficult to come by in grass fields untethered from the rest of the world. Eventually, I usually end up picking back up the responsibilities that I ditched earlier. I find that their benefits outweigh their pressures. But it is nice to be free of them long enough to realize why I keep them. Sometimes, I don’t pick a responsibility back up. I find I’ve outgrown it, or find it not worth the effort, or otherwise don’t need it. Sometimes I’m inspired. I think I just like re-accepting my life, under my own terms and at my own option.

Well, that got wordy too. But it’s a purer thought than my first three attempts. I apologize that I seem to be mostly talking about myself, something that I just criticized another for doing a moment ago. I find that relating to personal experience is the only ability I have to help someone. Who else would I trust to know better? Perhaps it’s helpful, perhaps not. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so open.

Anyway. If you’re around tonight, I’m up until ten and you know where I live.

(1) admittedly, with good intentions
(2) the ‘i hump teh devil’ kind, not the ‘I believe in mankind’ kind.

Nickname: Asmodeus
Re: Too much social defiance…
your local satanist has something to say. Define success. AWWW such kind friends you are, telling him its all going to be ok truth is it wont be ok it will get worse look at this hell we call life! We all have purpose, good or bad either way its purpose you never lose that, it only changes.

I wish I could kill myself, if only god was so merciful to allow me to get a gun point the barrel between my eyes, pull the trigger and BAM, its all over. Unfortunately legion will not allow me to do that, and none of you could ever understand why I can’t.

Yup my friends it is a shity ass world we live in. Welcome to the age of the fig tree. Oh and for the record I read the bible more steadily than any of you, and my lords name is not satan, but Lord Belial. Now why would a satanist read the bible? Think on that riddle a moment.

Nickname: Olorle
Re: Too much social defiance…
I think you are missing something of the point of life, Asmodeus. Just because things are bad has never really been a reason to stop. In fact, it’s ussually the only reason to keep going.
“Won’t it be dull when we rid ourselves of all these demons haunting us to keep us company.”
– Barenaked Ladies

Nickname: Asmodeus
Re: Too much social defiance…
I dont think ravenpaine is suicidal, however I also can not tell him it will be ok like everybody else does, cause the way I see it we are not ok. Kellie would think that i would want him to take his life, but that is not always the case, I happen to think he is pretty cool, and it takes a lot of character to stand back and understand someone who is not normaly understandable. Everybody thinks Kellie is this great person, and at one time I would say the same, however I see it the other way around. Kellie destroys frienships and lives, I am begining to see that now. I think for someone that is so educated, Kellie lacks communication skills she can not relate to people.

I however can relate to people of all types the sick or the normal, though I would say to you if you asked me to act normal around certain people, i would ask what is normal?

Some previous history of me, I used to believe that humans needed to live with the planet rather than against it. But a lot of people have taught me that, it is impossible for us to do so. The world is retaliating, and I see it if we are hit by an earthquake and all die or a hurricane than of course we deserve it.

Antichrist to me, I see Antichrist as cleaning the planet of our filth, because he will tempt us into filth and darkness once you let it in it never goes away it just destroys.

As for me and Kellie all I ever want from a woman is for her to love me as I do her, it is misinterpreted as sex, however I have had sex with women but they did not love me.

As for the Legion, Legion is an army of devils I am apart of them and they are apart of me, if I die they die, hence they will not let me kill myself and I will go on doing what they want me to do to my part of the land, none of you will be affected by me unless you yourself come to the northern part of utah or you have family and friends here. to give you an idea here is what the dark voices inside me say:

Cover the skies black with our Miasma and they will suffer too much to harm you.

That is all i have to say about that.