Original article posted by ravenpaine:

Entry 86 – December 6, 2005

Someday I hope that I get tired of breaking people, because there are only so many times you can hurt people before you start being an even larger jackass by assuming you need to be punished for it. Nothing says hubris like I need to be hurt because I have hurt. Because your not saying I have done a bad thing and need to be reprimanded for it. No. What you are trying to do is say that I obviously need to hurt more than that person so that in the end I win. Whoever is in the most pain at the end of the day is the one who is truly the victim and therefore in need of the most sympathy.

I refuse to be in pain, because I am not the one who needs your sympathy. I’m the guy who needs your scorn and derision and anything else you can muster… but if you really want to get at me you should say nothing. The silent treatment is the best way to get back at a person like myself because I will spend all sorts of energy fighting myself and won’t have the tempermant or reserve of strength necessary to justify my position. I’ll just break down and repeat that I am a bad man until it all stops… which hopefully it will not stop, that would be the best part, eternal torment is a really good idea for Hell, never let the fuckers stop feeling bad about the shit they did to someone esle, they don’t deserve a break, they’ll just fill it with bullshit justifications about it all.

There has got to be a way to stop me from destroying myself… there must be a way to convince me that I have to make up for everything, not be punished for it, but instead actually make reperations. I must fix my life and the oozing sore it has become. I should not be allowed to torture and humiliate all of the people around me in the way that I do.

I should be forced to quit school and work my ass off until I pay off my debts. To be forced to live on the street because I do not pay my rent, to starve because I bought comics with my food money… to sell all that I own to try to pay some of it back because there is no place to actually put all of this stuff and I don’t deserve to have it if I’m not willing to actually fight for it.

I wish that I could just fall apart in front of people instead of walkiing of into the sunset and collapsing off camera. I should drop the survivalist ego trip and just fall over and fall apart in plain veiw of my friends and enemies so that they know that I am human and not some sort of monster.

I should a lot of things… but suffice it to say that I am not a well person, my health, in all avenues and regards has broken down of late and I find myself working closer and closer to the state where I sleep most of the day and drown myself in time consuming pointless activity so that I don’t have to think and so I don’t have to remember and so I don’t have to be accountable for anything because I haven’t done anything.

I cannot time travel and fix everything at some point of inception where it all went wrong… but I certainly would even if it meant giving up my immortal soul or even worse succumbing to the oblivion of self death.

I don’t deserve to live because I have shown time and time again that if it ever came down to me or you I would kill you myelf if it meant living for one more tortured day… for no other reason then to prove I’m better than you.

Which I am not, I’ve just got a better PR agent.

Forgive me God, for while I cannot forgive myself I will find something else…

Rodney TGAP
Bonne nuit, Bonne nuit je fait mortis.

And I couldn’t even write that properly… I’ve been too lazy to learn.